Listening

Listening is almost like our heartbeat, a constant skill we do without thought and often neglect the significance of it. We may occasionally have to ask someone, “are you listening to me?!” during an important conversation, but how often do we reflect on how well weare listening to what someone else has to say. Taking the time to engage our listening skills, and learn how to do it better, is a great way to improve. Reading this blog and implementing the tips provided may not take a huge portion of your time, but the impacts can be tremendous – both for you and the people you communicate with. 

The Science Behind Active Listening

Listening is one of the most important skills we can learn and utilize in life: communication is vital, and your ability to help others converse with you is priceless. Unfortunately, listening seems to be taking a backseat as of late, as “a 2006 study of college students showed they spent about 24% of their time listening to others face to face or in groups, down from 53% in 1980, when a comparable study was conducted, says Laura Janusik, an associate professor of communication at Rockhurst University, in Kansas City, Mo.” 

However, listening is crucial to living a fulfilled life, and the science proves this. One study was extremely telling: “test takers were asked to sit through a ten-minute oral presentation and, later, to describe its content. Half of adults can’t do it even moments after the talk, and forty-eight hours later, fully 75 percent of listeners can’t recall the subject matter.”[1]So, where is the disconnect? It all comes down to brain matter. “The human brain has the capacity to digest as much as 400 words per minute of information. But even a speaker from New York City talks at around 125 words per minute. That means three-quarters of your brain could very well be doing something else while someone is speaking to you.”

Psychology researcher John Stewart, author of U&Me: Communicating in Moments That Matter and other seminal texts on interpersonal communication, found that, “Genuine listening requires humility and curiosity—and neither can be successfully faked.”[2] His findings are mirrored by another professional, Philip Tirpak, who is an instructor of communication studies at Northern Virginia Community College and president of the International Listening Association.2As such, you can work to combat this and improve your ability to listen, comprehend, and retain information through a practice known as mindful listening. This isn’t special so much as it is purposeful: mindful listening requires you to focus on listening actively, rather than passively. Listening is a multi-dimensional action: it requires you to rely on more of your senses, as you listen with your eyes, not just your ears.

How to Listen

A common misconception is that listening occurs while the other person is talking. This isn’t necessarily the whole truth; rather, mindful listening is a conscious action that benefits from a little preparation. 

Here are some listening tips to consider prior to the conversation:

  • Clear your mind: let go of any distractions or lingering thoughts. It might be helpful to make “task lists you can easily pick up again later” if you are especially busy.

  • If this conversation holds a specific purpose, such as a doctor’s visit, “make a list of questions or topics you want to cover” so that you don’t forget anything.3

  • Open yourself up, and make a promise to be receptive: let go of assumptions regarding what “you think the other person will say.”3

  • Eliminate, or at least limit, distractions: put your phone on silent, turn off the T.V., or turn down the car radio.

Remember, the key to listening is being mindful and aware. Rather than focusing on the task of listening, think of it more as opening yourself completely to the other person and the conversation; be present and limit your ability to be distracted by disturbances, focusing on what the other person is saying, how they are saying it, and why they are saying it. You are now listening with a purpose: not to gather enough information to respond appropriately, but listening to comprehend what the other person and what they’re trying to communicate with you. You are also listening to their body language and how their tone or posture changes based on what they are saying. Included below are some helpful tips on listening to keep in mind during your discussion.

Throughout the conversation:

  • Engage with your body language: make eye contact, and face the person you are talking to. Try not to fidget, especially with your phone or other distracting devise.

  • Relax: there is a balance between being engaged and looking rigid. You want your body language to show you are present and focused on what the other person is saying, but you want to make sure you are doing so in a comfortable manner. Don’t be afraid to smile, or even look away from time to time. Moderation is key: it’s what differentiates engaging eye contact from staring.

  • Make sure you’re getting the right information: ask questions if you don’t understand, or paraphrase what the speaker said back to them. This is especially helpful if you want to redirect the conversation back to a more positive place, or you want to avoid misunderstandings.

  • This works two ways: don’t be afraid to repeat yourself if you feel as though you are being misunderstood. This reflects your ability to listen because when you are listening attentively and with purpose, you have a stronger sense of how you are both communicating with each other.

  • Be reactive: good listening involves absorbing a lot of information, and great listening reacts to the information you are being given. By this, take note of the other speaker’s body language and facial expressions. These nonverbal cues are priceless: how often do misunderstandings occur over text or email where nonverbal cues are not present? Take advantage of them, as they help paint the whole picture of the conversation. Their cues may reveal if you need to explain something further, change your tone, or engage the other person more (as in, don’t talk so much they become disengaged! Speaking of…)

  • Don’t be afraid to pause! “Awkward silences” are only as awkward as you let them be, and they are usually far more positive and purposeful than you think. These are a quick and painless way to transition to the next speaker, especially if someone feels as though they are not being given enough time to talk or respond. They also give each person a second to stop and reflect, and then absorb and comprehend the information that is being communicated. 

  • Keep an open mind: sometimes conversations occur that aren’t easy or carefree, but they are still important. Part of mindful listening means that you try to see the other person’s point of view, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. Take the time to put yourself in their shoes by comprehending all of what they are telling you; don’t close yourself off to certain details or anecdotes. You can disagree later, but while they are speaking, your goal is to listen for comprehension. 

The Bottom Line

Listening is the fundamental of communication – whether the conversation is simple and complex. In order to successfully engage with another person, we must be able to listen and comprehend what the other is saying. We hope that these skills help you improve your ability to listen, and in turn help the other people in your life to see how much you care for and enjoy engaging with them. 

To further enhance your communication skills, you can read about how to communicate with your doctor better here. If you want to communicate with someone regarding obtaining alternative cancer treatment, we at CMN are happy to serve you. You can email us at info@cmnact.com or click here for other ways to contact us at your convenience. 

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[1]Sullivan, Bob and Hugh Thompson. “Now Hear This! Most People Stink at Listening [Excerpt]. Scientific American. 2013.

[2]Sea Gold, Sunny. “How to be a better listener.” Scientific American. 2015.

[3]Shellenbarger, Sue. “Tuning In: Improving Your Listening Skills.” The Wall Street Journal. 2014.

[4]“10 Steps to Effective Listening.” WomensMedia, Forbes. 2012.

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